I was so excited when I realized that this year, Eid al-Fitr fell on a Sunday, because after living in my house for 2 years, I was FINALLY going to have a party! But... you can guess how that turned out.
For those of you who aren’t in “the know” about Ramadan, it’s a month of fasting during the final month of the Muslim calendar. From sunrise to sunset, you are not permitted to eat or drink. And when the magical time finally arrives to break your fast for the day, it is usually met with a social event with friends, family and/or neighbours. But this year, things were much, MUCH different.
To back up a bit, a) I’m not a Muslim (I mean... have you SEEN how much I love bacon?) and b) this was not my first time observing Ramadan. My decision to participate, initially, was a mix of curiosity and having previously lived in Muslim communities while in Uganda. My first experience was so impactful, I’ve continued to join my Muslim friends and chosen family all over the world for this month-long journey.
But back to this year...
It never once occurred to me not to participate during a period of isolation. In fact, I was looking forward to the added element of increased routine and structure that was becoming increasingly difficult after weeks of being home-stayed. I knew I would have to cancel that party, but didn’t see any other reason why this year would be different from previous ones, aside from not being able to see people face-to-face.
Well, let me tell you - there wasn’t much that was similar about previous years, that’s for sure. I underestimated the power of social interaction during a month of fasting. Leading up to the start of Ramadan, I was working out with a few friends and family every morning. I also underestimated how much those few minutes of catch up before and after the workout were the much needed boost my mental health needed while being isolated. Sure - I’ve been having daily Zoom calls (sometimes more than one!), so I can see people, but it’s not the same. It get’s old and lonely pretty quickly to break your fast late at night all by yourself.
My willpower was also not as strong this year. I wanted to call it quits more times than I care to admit - but most especially in the final few days. It felt long. I experienced a new level of tired and emotional exhaustion, which, ironically, is not unlike what going without ones basic needs can also feel like. By the mid-way point, I vowed never to do this again.
But then something happened - we were permitted to see one other household! This meant I could see my brother and Beth. And although it meant they weren’t getting up with me at 3AM to workout, it did mean I could be with them on the weekends, including this past one, which fell in line with the end of Ramadan and Eid al-Fitr!
I was thrilled when they told me they would stay up past all of our bedtimes to break the final fast this past Saturday. We made a beautiful steak dinner - BBQed directly on the coals of the charcoal. We shared a few laughs and enjoyed every morsel of our dinner. It was the perfect conclusion to a month of increased isolation and decreased mental health.
Now imagine how much more excited I was when they both agreed to get up the next morning (yesterday) at an ungodly hour of the day to drive to a beach to watch the sunrise!
I had about 45 minutes to myself before they arrived, and I spent that time reflecting on the past month and all the struggles, growth and things that had been occupying my thoughts.
The sunrise was spectacular. It filled my heart with so much comfort and calm. A sense of hope I’d been struggling with off and on returned, and I was overwhelmed with gratitude from yet another year of Ramadan.
In previous years, I had recorded a list of things I was grateful for at each of the prayer times. This year, I made a list of things I wanted to do, achieve or work towards after COVID confinement passes or is at least reduced a bit more. That’s 150 things that I consciously thought about over the course of the month - though, in truth, there were many more ideas, I just didn’t want to write them down outside of being in the moment! And, let me tell you, there was no shortage of things to put on that list, but it’s a start nonetheless.
Just like in previous years, I gained a better understanding of who I am and who I am not. I grew a bit more. I became increasingly grateful for the things and folks in my life. I contemplated worst case scenarios and either decided they weren’t worth it, or have since chosen to be bold and proceed!
A lot has changed since Ramadan 2019. I have changed since Ramadan 2019. I am stronger, braver and in someways a little more understanding. But I think I’ve also become a little more guarded, grumpy and concerned about the insignificant impact I am likely to have in/on the world. I am surrounded, quite possibly, by some of the most incredible people - who challenge me to be better every single day; who listen when I need to vacate the anxiety, insecurity or anger that exists from time-to-time. I am surrounded by a beautiful landscape of ocean and agriculture (two of my favourite things!). I am healthy. I have a roof over my head, and can afford beyond simply meeting my basic needs. Despite how dark some days can seem, I am getting better at recognizing that they will pass. Even the days that are dreadfully long and uninspiring. And I am, once again, reminded that I am no closer to perfection than I was in years before.
How fortunate does all that that make me?
-the Orange Canadian
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