Tuesday 23 October 2018

Reconnecting, Reevaluating, Reestablishing

This week I’m really trying to focus on reconnecting with friends and nature. It’s been a hectic few months and my brain is exhausted. It’s amazing how quickly you can recover that spark when you break from your normal routine. Mental health has been a hot topic, but I don’t think we fully discuss it as much as we’d like to think we do - which is why, this week has already been a much needed moment of rest.

Cape Split adventures with the city folk! Gertie’s longest hike to date, but definitely not the last! 

Catching up with A-A RON. I think it was the first time we’d seen each other in person since he
left Kampala.  It didn’t take long for us to get back into our in-depth, intellectual conversations
and completely inappropriate humour! Note that beard, though! (Sorry, Aaron!)

One of the amazing things that has happened in the last few days is that I’ve been able to really sit down and figure out where I’m at and how I’m feeling, overall. If you had asked me this time last week how I was, I would have done the polite Canadian thing and responded with I’m doing great, when really my reality was far from. I was working long hours, sleeping an average of 2-3 hours a night, and relying on my good friend coffee to see me through each day (I’m talking pots, not my usually cups). That, matched with some really poor eating habits, was placing me in a mental (and physical!) nightmare.

If you were to ask me today how I am, I wouldn’t need to put on my pretend face - I could just tell you, I feel rested. I still have a busy week ahead, and I’m excited for it, but it’s breaking away from my norm and allowing me to breathe, rest, and most importantly - LIVE!

My biggest struggle over the last few months has been an overwhelming sense of homesickness. It caught me completely off guard, and as a result has been difficult to understand and deal with. It’s also hard to explain to others because I am, technically, home. And it’s weird, because in one sense, I’m establishing a sense of place and home here in the Valley. I’m making new friends, getting involved in various things from Girl Guides to community boards, etc. I know my neighbours a bit more, and overall all, it feels good. Is there room to improve? Absolutely. But, this is the first time since reentering Canada nearly a year and a half ago that I have felt a sense of belonging and stability. I feel safe.

On the other hand, however, Uganda was my first real home, or at least what felt like home, since my mother passed nearly five and a half years ago. And so, when that began to feel unsafe, it really shook me. Mixed with readjusting to the entitled and ungrateful attitudes of Western culture, I found myself in probably the darkest place I had been in many years. I’m going to be honest with you, if it weren't for a promise I made a friend many, MANY years ago, and the fact that I have Gertie to care for, I’m not sure I would be here typing these words. To feel foreign in the place you grew up is one of the most terrifying experiences I’ve ever been through. And like the loss of your most important person - whether unexpected or not - it is something I wouldn’t wish on the people I like less than everyone else.

So, when I tell my coworkers, friends, and anyone else that I love them, and they roll their eyes (because it’s probably borderline obsessive!), or when I message them to tell them something random that probably feels like it’s come out of nowhere, it’s my way of saying a) I’m their person if they need me to be and b) they’re my reason - maybe in that moment, maybe in general. I don’t come from a family that’s overly good at talking about feelings and such (on either side), but I’m really trying to overcome that.

The good news - now that I’ve probably scared a few of you - is that I’m in a really good place. There’s no chance I’m leaving this life willingly, so there’s no need for you to panic. It’s mostly the grieving process and having the time to actually feel it and move beyond the survival stage. I’m also ready to go back to Uganda and hopefully get the project off the ground and fully running. I’m ready to see my friends and family there and come home with endless supplies (or at least a few months worth) of some of the best coffee I’ve ever consumed. I’m not interested in moving back - I know that for sure - but I am ready to have a good visit and start building things again.

I’m also starting to write again - and really good, focused writing, which I’d lost for a while. My mind is feeling more clear and I’m finding I’m up thinking more so about things I want to read and write about rather than things that cause me to worry... and usually unnecessarily. (Let’s face it, I’m never going to consistently sleep for 6+ hours a night - I’m always going to be thinking about something!)

What I have come to learn over the past number of years is that clarity comes and goes. But when it does go, not to stop searching. Life is one big cyclical process where things are great and then they’re not so great, but if you wait it out, they go back to being great, eventually. It’s also a bit like Junior High forever, but without the slap bracelets, baggy clothes and hope of marrying your favourite Backstreet Boy. However, if you surround yourself with the right people, you can get through it. They don’t even have to fully surround you - it’s just as great to have people you can call on from time-to-time who make it seem like they’ve always been there. Not being in constant contact doesn’t mean they don’t care; it means, like you, they’re busy dealing with the daily aspects of life that take more of you than anyone ever told you adulthood would. It’s also not entirely up to them to keep in contact with you - if you miss someone, tell them! Besides, you never know what they might be facing and how a simple Hey! can make a difference. For those of you with kids, I have no idea how you do it, because I can barely fit in my own activities and Gertie’s most days, let alone some tiny human's that is solely reliant on me to provide for them. (I’ll make a stellar aunt though...)

In conclusion, I’m good. Gertie is good. My home is good. I’m safe. I have a roof over my head, and food to eat. I can drink water from my tap and not worry if I’m going to get sick or worse. It’s time to refocus and get back to the things I love outside of my day-to-day. It is time to live.

-the Orange Canadian