Easter weekend has arrived, and with it a 4-day weekend, a month in isolation, and far too much time to rehash the past.
None of those three things is productive for me.
This weekend represents the beginning of an extremely trying time for me. The idea of being isolated is adding additional fuel to the memory fire. No, I’m not talking about a religious association - I’m talking about grief and loss.
Seven years ago my mom and brother came to Wolfville to pick me up from university for the holiday weekend. My roommate at the time was also joining us. I had just finished a hectic few weeks of school, work, and extracurriculars and was emotionally spent.
It turned out that when they arrived to come get us, my mom dropped a bombshell on me. My gramma was not well, and my mom had known for sometime. There is an entire history here of my mom being hurt by her own family for keeping her out of the know when there were similar struggles. To this day, I still feel a bit confused as to why she did the same thing to me. Though I know her rationale was that she didn’t want me to be upset with all the other things going on, I was so exhausted that it was worse finding out in that moment than it would have been had I known from the get go.
This led to a very inappropriate 28-year-old tantrum. I’ve written about the above situation a number of times in this blog, but most descriptively a few years ago.
This was my last Easter with my gramma AND my mom.
Given all that is going on in the world today, I fully recognize the need to be at home. I understand the importance of not seeing friends or family at this time (in general, not just during a holiday weekend). But, it also places me in a difficult position - needing to keep busy but not being able to.
This weekend would have been a time I would take to the woods for a good hike or spend some quality time with the people I love. And it’s true, this isn’t my first Easter on my own, but it is under the circumstances for which I find myself - doing so not by choice.
It’s no secret that I struggle with the family component of my life. There are a lot of memories that have created an unnecessary, yet real tension. These memories pop up regardless of the global circumstances.
I think what makes this particular weekend more difficult, is that I’m already starting to sink into the vortex of memories past, in general. The time at home has given me more time to overthink and question/relive things from the past. It’s a horrible cycle that is not easy to get away from when you cannot change the things around you. I try my best to stay positive, but I’ve got to be honest, it’s becoming increasingly more difficult to do so.
The guilt, regret, anger, grief and heartache from that weekend seven years ago are just as present today as they were following the loss of both of those amazing women.
Sadly, the truth of it all, is that I probably would have opted to stay home and avoid people even if it weren’t legally mandated. But I think this is what makes it so difficult this year. I don’t have any other option than to be at home, alone with my thoughts. And that is never a good place to be...
Weirdly, I had a dream last night that I was looking for my mom. When I woke up, I forgot for a few minutes that she was gone. It was a strange moment, as was the realization of what happened. Grieving never really goes away. And these times are only augmenting that heartache.
So, if you are reading this, and going through that, as well - I want you to know you are not alone. I want you to know I’m sorry you’re having to deal with all of this on top of your regular struggles. And I want you to know that you are stronger than you realize, no matter how hard the days may seem.
-the Orange Canadian
No comments:
Post a Comment