Wednesday, 19 August 2015

Bathroom Etiquette for Dummies: Ladies Edition

Ladies - we need to talk. There's a growing epidemic of women who don't quite understand the beauty of an efficient and clean bathroom experience. Now, I'm not talking about your own personal washroom - what you do in the privacy of your home is your business. No, I'm talking about public, shared washrooms.

Perhaps I am quite naïve to think that we might all be in those enclosed defecation receptacles for the sole purpose of, well, havin' a tinkle. However, as I'm now coming to realize, this is not necessarily the case.

Over the last few weeks I have "conducted" a social experiment, in that while I stood impatiently waiting for my turn for the toilie (pronounced toy-lee), I silently stewed while plotting out how I can change this behaviour. You see, there is no reason why anyone needs more than a minute, maybe two in there. It's quite simple (unless you're not just peeing - which we'll get into momentarily!), you sit, grab paper in preparation, wipe, flush, exit. Easy peesy*! Of course there are always exceptions, but for the most part this should be a relatively simple task. Oh, and dare I say it - wash your hands. And swiping them under the water for 0.5 seconds does not count either. But, perhaps that will be a rant for another day!

No forget it, let's do this now. Here's how to wash your hands:

And here's a little ditty for you to sing while you do it! Sure, they tell you to sing one round of Happy Birthday, but people tend to look at you funny when you do...

Unfortunately there does not appear to be a similar thing for public washroom etiquette. I mean, there are, but they only talk about flushing, not peeing on the seat, and other common-sense things that should equally be taken seriously. However, none of them (and I spent solid 5 minutes researching the available materials!) talk about time and efficiency. So, I've decided to make it my mission to create one. I don't know how or when, but I'm adding this to my list of things to accomplish before I'm 40. In the mean time, here are some useful tips:

  1. If you're in there alone, do what you please - BUT the moment you hear others enter, hurry up with your pees!
  2. Just because the doors are all closed doesn't always mean all the stall are occupied - so take a second and check before you create a lineup. Also, just because the water is still running from when the last person flushed, doesn't mean you can't go**! 
  3. If you're going number two, don't wait for everyone to filter out before you emerge from the stall - we're more concerned about not having an 'oopsie' than we are of how smelly your poop may be, or to even remember you as the 'pooper' should we run into you later on in the day. (See below)  
  4. You look fine - no need to clog up what little space there is in front of the mirror/sink making sure every single strand of hair is in place. Wash yer hands and move along! 
  5. I'm sure I will have more, but this is a good start.

In addition to the issue of mindfulness for fellow bathroom users, I have to ask - how on earth do you manage to get SO much water*** on the floor? I mean, how is this even possible?! Please. Someone. Tell me! I don't even want to get into the whole issue of how other bodily excretions make it onto places that are humanly impossible, unless you're doing a handstand on the toilet seat - and even then I'm not 100% sure it's possible! Seriously - what are you ladies doing in there?!

And ladies, might we have a word about (dare I say it) poop? Look we all do it. And, it's also pretty obvious if you're sitting in that stall for an obnoxiously long period of time. There's no need to practice your response to a potential run-in with a tyrannosaurus rex, I mean, you're not kidding anyone. There was clearly movement in there when someone walks into the washroom, so holding your breath and trying to to move isn't going to somehow trick your follow bathroom goers that you're not there! Why are we so ashamed of something that we all know we do? Sure it can be stinky, or be accompanied by unflattering sounds, but let's be honest here, no half-decent human is going to judge you for doing something they were most likely going in to do themselves. The fact that you are trying to hide what you're doing in there only holds up the line for the rest of us!

End rant.

But, here's one more for the road!

-the Orange Canadian

* Get it?! That was wee pun! Get that one, because it was a little pun about pee... Tough crowd.
**Have not actually tested this theory, but I'm willing to assume it is the truth.
*** I really hope it's water!

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